Desolate Times: A Quest for Hope

It was December, 31st of 2019. The New Year's eve. I was at my place, getting my books ready for an early morning class I had the next day- Yes, I had a class all day on the first day of the new year. But the thing is, I was looking forward to it. I had planned the new year in such a way that I would be able to accomplish all of my new year year goals this time. Once my bag was ready, I came straight to bed, scrolled through my social feed for a while and then slept off like a log.

It was January 1, 2020. The Year I had been looking forward for almost 8 years, since 2012. In a weird way, I always associated the number 2020 with happiness and positivity since my young age. Whenever I had problems in my life, I would quickly close my eyes and think about the year 2020, and whether these problems would still matter then or not. So, the time I had been waiting for with a bated breath, was here. To even say that I was excited would have been an understatement of said excitement. Truth be told, I was feeling so much positivity to a point that it was amusing. Well, looking back now, the last thing anyone would have ever wanted to hear this year was the term "positive" or to even be associated with positivity. It's crazy how a word/phrase linked to intense happiness in life, can also be the source of excruciating sadness.

I woke up by 5 a.m., did my morning routine and sat by my table with a cup of tea, reading through the curated articles for the day on Flipboard. Then, something funny happened. Every single article, I mean ALMOST every single one of them, was talking about the fear of a widespread global pandemic due to a virus spreading elsewhere in the world. I knew what the virus was because I had been reading about this special form of coronavirus the previous month everyday. I wasn't taking it seriously and told myself, "Well, the scientists are certainly working on a cure! They ought to find one before this (then) epidemic becomes the reason for a global catastrophe". And, my day went as it was planned. The classes. Loved ones. Friends. The entire package.

I had rejoined the gym in December, after 7 months of relapse. So, I was naturally excited to follow through this time. And I did actually hit the gym 5 days a week for 3 and a half months this year. I was able to feel my lost muscles coming back to their form. I've never been out of shape, but I was able to feel my enhanced strength and endurance. Life went on as usual- Work, studies, evening tea breaks, meeting friends, and so on. All these were happening, with the COVID-19 slowly eating up more than half the world, and had also entered India by then. And I was dead from the neck up to the fact that the virus could actually impact my own sweet life I got running here. And then in the mid March, our Government announced a national lockdown for an indefinite period, until the virus is exterminated. The first 15 days were hardest. And then slowly, as they increased the lockdown, my life got used to it.

And the perfect life I thought I had going on crumbled down to pieces. I could not go to the gym, I couldn't attend the classes in the classroom, and I couldn't even go to the next road to buy stationery. It felt like I was living in a lovecraftian nightmarish world, straight out of a movie wherein, you greet people without handshakes, you put masks and gloves all the time when you go outside, where every sneeze you take or every cough you have gets you very anxious. I started to lose track of time & the days. I don't want to admit it, but I spent most of my day dozing off to such an extent that I got tired of just sleeping. My bones started to creak, and muscle spasms became more & more regular. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that my body became sick of my routine. This went on for a while. 

And then, almost all of a sudden, my brain started to process this entire lockdown very differently. Previously, all I did was just focus on the worst aspects of this year. All I could ever do was just regret the choices I could have had, had this year went unscarred. But later, I was able to see my very existence with a new-found clarity. I found myself appreciative of the little things I had in my life- the time I spent bonding with my parents, the sound of birds perching at the dusk of evening times, and many other things. I started reading more and more novels, and spent most of my time finishing up lots of incomplete work.

I realized that everyone needed a recoil time in their life- even Mother Earth. Now, I could unreasonably philosophize and write off all the losses and damages that every single being in this situation has faced, as a small cost. But I won't do that, as that would make my intentions look villainy and probably would make me sound almost like every antagonist from action films the past 5 years (saying doltish things like "Mother Earth is taking back what belongs to her", "This planet is ending", Yada Yada yada).

But what I really mean, when I had this revelation upon me, is the fact that we, as a species, have had such mountainous growth in this half a century, in so many fields. But, that also means that we have been marching on vigorously towards nothing in particular. Sure, we have personalized goals & grander schemes to implement them. But, what good does achieving goals in one's life do, if we don't even stand to appreciate the beauty of our existence?

Think about it. If you want to get technical and scientific, the emission of green house gases have substantially reduced, the ozone layer has recovered at an astronomical scale and even the monsoons have been periodic (except those areas which were deeply affected by floods). But, when you go down to the individual, we have been granted the time to cherish the boon of our own existence. In a hundred years' time, most of us would not be here to witness the supersonic marriage of technology and the very organics of life. But, right now, right here, we get to sit down and take a small breath. We have the leisure of not running the rat race. Many of us have the time to pick up a new habit, learn a new language, play a new instrument, etc. To simply put it, we have the luxury to just EXIST now without worrying as much as we used to. This doesn't mean that you have to completely do away with one's responsibilities. We can still get the same amount of work done, as well as be close to our loved ones.

I cannot talk about 2020 without discussing its worst aspects. But, I just want to emphasize on the fact that this year was not and will not be all bad. We still have time left to be better. To live healthier. To become happier. To engage in a less stressful life. And overall, to understand the essence of living. A close friend of mine once said that your life is the way you see it. I have started seeing my life in a fairly optimistic, and for the lack of a better term, in a  "positive" light. I am happier. Now I'm hopeful for a better future, amidst what prevails. And finally, I intend to make the most good out of this SPECTACULAR NOW.

- Pranav Giridharan